Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places

One amazing feature of the modern nanny state, especially the sort that recuse themselves from anything that matters, is that people become bored, silly, and stupid.

Thanks to a reader, we discover this warped Canadian chick who tapes food to herself in the hope of having raccoons, already gorged on residential waste, flatter her orally.

7 If you’re really coon smitten and want to go the extra mile for your soon-to-be new best friends, find a fishmonger who will sell or give you a bag of discarded fish stewing in their own putrid juices (the raccoon equivalent of foie gras topped with caviar). Voilà! In a matter of seconds you will be up to your genitals in raccoons.

8 While you’re at it, why not get creative and be fulfilled by encouraging a little coonilingus? If you find one that doesn’t mind the broccoli, consider it a keeper.